Do You Even Ride?


Up for sale is this broken old bike.

If your child’s birthday is coming up you could give them this bike, ensuring that they will never injure themselves while biking – this is due mainly to the fact that the bike lacks a wheel and can achieve a top speed of zero. DIY types might be able to source another wheel and install it but have no fear, with the broken chain it still stays at low speeds, being little more than an oversized run bike. Unfortunately the one remaining brake does not work, so I can’t condone actually using the bike as transportation until that is fixed. It’s probably just a cable or two, maybe some pads and at the very most, the entire brake system that needs to be replaced.

If you don’t know any young children to give this bike to, you can always use it yourself as an exercise bike. For an extra fee I will provide some wooden blocks to go under the bike, raising it up enough to sit on and pedal. The back wheel won’t turn because of the previously mentioned broken chain so you don’t need to worry about the lack of brakes, front wheel or turning ability. Simply sit on the comfortable seat and spin the pedals like crazy. There’s no gears or difficulty selection so you’ll probably only develop one or two muscles. If anyone ever asks you to pedal a bike on the absolute lowest gear on flat ground you’ll be able to do it really well with your new pedal spinning muscles.

This bike is also perfect if you’ve ever wanted to be a unicyclist but needed a unicycle! The handy handlebars allow you to balance better than a traditional unicycle, and the lack of a functioning chain eliminates the need to go up hills. The chain currently wraps itself around the pedals every once in a while and makes a strange noise but I’m sure it’s an easy fix. Seat is not in good shape, I was lying when I said it was comfortable earlier. You may want to wear padding if you plan to sit on the seat.

Custom blue paint job mostly covers up the old red paint job and complements the rust very well. Two colours of blue contrast each other making this bike look like a sea of sky. You could pretend that the red bits that are showing through are rays of sunshine. Forks have a few small scratches but that’s to be expected because there’s no wheel. Pedals mostly match each other, one is black and one is black with paint over-spray on it. You can also pretend that it’s a camouflage paint job if you want although that obviously isn’t the truth, I’m just bad at painting.

You can buy my bike/unicycle for only ten dollars, if you want the custom wooden exercise bike blocks I can make them for an extra five dollars.


How to Sell a Car

My friend’s car has been the unfortunate recipient of all our spraypaint, stickers, cardboard and other bad ideas. It seemed like our work and time had increased the resale value so I wrote up an ad and posted it on a couple classifieds sites. Just to clarify the NOS system is a garden hose and a blue can, the JVC sound system is off a home stereo and the racing stripes are duct tape.


This is possibly the best 1988 Dodge Shadow the world has ever seen. If you’re interested in basic details it is a fwd, 2.2L, Auto, 4 cylinder car made by Dodge in the late 80’s. The name Shadow fits the car very well, everytime I sit in it I am reminded of ninjas and Japanese B-movies with names like “The dark warrior of shadow night”.

I’ve done a lot of custom work to this car and it’s definitely become a sweet one of a kind ride. The exterior has had a lot of custom styling done, two manly racing stripes in black add to the overall speed factor of the car. These are professionally done and completely accurate and not slightly off in any way. The black shadow theme continues with my custom tail fins, these are done to look like an old Cadillac mixed with an F1 car.

By the time you buy this car I will have finished the carbon fibre / lightning bolt hood. The hood is going to be painted like carbon fibre so that you go faster and then have lightening bolt silhouettes so that you can strike down peasants like Zeus. If you had a passenger they could sit in the passenger seat and make sound effects like “Kzzark” and “Zwoosh”.

The custom painted rims are done in an attractive two tone colour, tractor green and black, symbolic of the mighty tractoresque four cylinder and the shadowy blackness of night. These rims were painted with the highest quality paint available and a paint spraying technique taught to me by a Cuban pin striping master tradesman.

This amazing car also comes with a completely legitimate NOS system. Hand installed by my own hands the NOS runs out of the blue tank, through the hose and back into the blue tank giving you double the NOS for free! I installed a mini NOS purge container into the main line, this is converted from an old fuel filter and works very well. I had multiple NOS buttons on various handy location in the car but due to the heat it has been reduced to only one button. It still works very well.

The JDM stickerbombed bumper will make people admire the car in even more detail. They marvel at the selection of stickers from quality brands which include but are not limited to: SDOR, Mongoose, Mountain Hardware, Freeride Boardshop, Giant, 661, Magnaflow, LA Sportiva, Venture Gear, Spanish warning signs, and other JDM brands. I was going to stickerbomb the gas cap but instead put a custom sparkly Hulk fabric covering on it. This turns heads like nothing else, his great green biceps sparkling in the sun like some goblin fairy combination. Plus he frightens off potential gas theives.

I ran a full custom sound system, two massive JVC speakers in the boot, these things pound like a jackhammer. They’re hooked to a custom installed 87 Ford Deck to keep the retro styled interior theme. This deck has am/fm radio, iPod input and tapes. The radio tuning is the only major thing that doesn’t work on this car, it works fine when I am at Big White but that is it. Fortunately it can still go through the presets so just find a station that’s pretty close to one of those. Or you could just go and tune it at Big White. The deck has little knobs for bass and treble, I usually turn the bass all the way and drive around rattling my windows. I get a lot of people asking for my number this way.

Further plans for this car include a disco ball, redone interior and a two tone paintjob.

I am asking $5’000 for this car which is very reasonable. Price is OBO. Please email me.

Jungle Bongos For Sale

I was selling some old things and came across a broken pair of bongo drums. I wrote this and tried to sell them for $2,000.

Jungle Bongo

I am selling my bongos because I have no space left in my house for bongos.
The top of the bongos used to be some sort of goat skin or similar product but it was beaten on by kids and now the top is half goatskin, half masking tape. I ran out of masking tape on the second bongo so it doesn’t make any noise.
Would be a good christmas present for someone you hated or a kid with lots of goatskin and spare time.
You could also just take the goatskin/masking tape mess off of the drums completely and give them to someone with a good imagination.
The possibilties are endless, they could be air bongos, broken binoclaurs or anything else you can think of, so long as you can only think of two round wooden spheres, joined together with a bit of wood.