Ron Burgundy

I found an ad on an internet classifieds site for an old Volvo wagon. The guy said it was named Ron Burgundy and was “amazeballs”. Since I didn’t have a better way to spend my night I wrote him a longer ad for his car.


This car is named Ron Burgundy. You can tell a lot about a car by its name and this is a whopper of a name. Ron is a good, stout sounding first name, the kind of steady guy who works for a decent honest company and that your parents would be proud of. The last name, Burgundy, has some more pizzazz. Mr. Burgundy probably goes laZer bowling and wears black shirts with cool bands like Mettallica and Lamb of God.

Moving on from the name this car is a 1988 Volvo Wagon 740 GLE in black. As everyone knows black is almost like carbon fiber and carbon fiber makes you fast. Just one of the many speedy modifications this car has! A brand new professional grade zebra interior has been installed, to remind you of Africa, a country that this car could dominate with ease due to its massive speed and ground clearance. Since it is an old car with a lot of kilometers you can be sure it will do many more kilometers because that’s how cars work, the older it gets the more you know it will keep going. The GLE probably stands for either Grand Luxury Edition or Grand Touring Eagle, possibly both. It has heated seats so you can keep your cold Canadian bum warm while you drive over ice, glaciers and frozen lakes due to this cars excellent winter handling. With power windows you can easily close and open your windows with ease. Members of the opposite sex will stop you on the street and ask “Are those power windows?” to which you can truthfully reply “Yes they are.” You can then offerr them a ride in your spacious Volvo wagon, which can seat 8 comfortably and up to 15 uncomfortably. Other things you can fit in the back of the wagon include but are not limited to; refrigerator, duck pond, mountain bike and multiple girls.

This car has a new sound system in, it’s really loud and good at playing music. If you listen to Linkin Park or Thousand Foot Krutch then you could also get this car and put it in your room and use it as a radio. It’s pretty cheap so you could do that and it would sound good. People might ask why you have a Volvo in your room and you can just turn on this sweet sound system and they will be like “Wow that is a nice sound system! Is it Beats or Bose or some fancy brand like that?” To which you could say “No it’s Volvo, and check out those zebra trims.”

Bottom line here is that Ron Burgundy is your mancar, hooking you up with zebras, sweet music and members of the sex you are attracted to. For only 700 dollars plus the price of a new fuel pump he could be all yours!